Captain Cromat, He’s our hero

There was a time when it seemed that Ted Turner owned the world.  The Braves had the best pitching lineup in baseball,  WCW was a legit threat to WWF, and Ted had enough pull in Hollywood to get whoever he wanted to star in his show pushing his message of conservation.  No, seriously, look at the people he has for seasons 1 and 2.  The cartoon was pretty much godawful, but if you were at a certain age when it was on, you knew it all by Heart.  But where are we going with all this?

Lo and behold!  M13 is giving us five rings that each do dumb color stuff.  So of course what we are supposed to do is make an EDH deck immortalizing our favorite green haired, blue skinned, punk rockin (oh wait that was Captain Pollution ) superhero.  He was pretty much the worst, since it seemed that something like smog seemed to weaken him into an infantile state.  If ever facing down a loaded Captain Planet, you could probably urinate on him and rob him of his strength.

Ok enough of that nonsense, down to brass tax, also all the rings are 2 mana with a 1 equip cost.

General:  Lets go with our boy Cromat  Admittedly Cromat is always my go to 5 color general as I heartily despise all the others.  Ain’t nobody holdin a candle to my main man Cro TO THA mat.


Okay so we kind of need a creature of each color to represent each ring so lets see what we can come up with, I want them to be Legendary even though Stoneforge Mystic could pass as a pretty good Linka.

Earth = Green = Kwame = Baru, Fist of Krosa Wow what is up with the lack of brothers in green.  Our boy Kwame’s ring will be Ring of Kalonia = Equipped creature has trample. At the beginning of your upkeep, put a +1/+1 counter on equipped creature if it’s green.  Hahaha it is like having Forests ALL DAY for him with the ring on.

Fire = Red = Wheeler = Kamahl, Pit Fighter  This one was easier and represents our hotheaded friend a little better than poor Kwame, LEVAR BURTON IS IN TEARS WIZARDS I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY.  His ring is the Ring of Valkas : Equipped creature has haste.  At the beginning of your upkeep, put a +1/+1 counter on equipped creature if it’s red.  Heh pretty much useless on our boy Kamahl.

Wind = White = Linka = Rashka The Slayer Blonde? Almost , Relevant? Kinda Check has reach which seems like a wind thingy.  Almost went with Thalia but Rashka seems better flavorwise.  Her ring will be Ring of Thune = Equipped creature has vigilance.  At the beginning of your upkeep, put a +1/+1 counter on equipped creature if it’s white.  Not the worst, vigilance reach on a conditional non 3/3 is maybe ok.

Water = Blue = Gi = Braids, Conjurer Adept I know not asian in a color with many asian female legends.  But I think we will end up needing the ability to just put stuff down considering this mess.  Her ring is Ring of Evos Isle = 2 Equipped creature gains hexproof until end of turn.  At the beginning of your upkeep, put a +1/+1 counter on equipped creature if it’s blue.  I guess maybe someday someone tries to blow up our blue braids and we can stop it from happening.

Heart = Black? = Ma-Ti = Chainer, Dementia Master Yeah Heart gets boned having to be black, but honestly, Ma-Ti was everybody’s least favorite planeteer hands down so who cares.  Also Chainer’s reanimatin powers are kinda like the Heart ring in a dumb way, but honestly umm, when are we gonna have triple black to waste on it.  Probably never.  Ok suckshack your ring is Ring of Xathrid : 2 Regenerate Equipped Creature.  At the beginning of your upkeep, put a +1/+1 counter on equipped creature if it’s black.  This one is rough, because I would gladly let Ma-Ti die.

Other Cast:  

Gaea = Captain Sisay We are going to need help assembling the Planeteers so may as well have this work flavorwise.

Ma-Ti’s Stupid fuckin monkey Voiced by the dude who was Megatron = Uktabi Orangutan  I guess we can let that monkey get a little play huh, look at him there, all bonin from behind like kings do.

Okay, so we have our Planeteers and those rings, so what is our battleplan?  In the end we want a five ring equipped Cromat to BEAT FACE gettin dem counters erryday.  Seems flawless right?

So lets get our rings out somehow.  Not a lot of secret tech here

Tezzeret the Seeker
Stoneforge Mystic
Stonehewer Giant
Enlightened Tutor

Lands/Mana Rocks/Ramp = I dunno like fitty cards, I think yall can do this part on your own, constraining to your own budget, maybe not use ALL TEN SIGNETS like I like to, if you do that maybe bump to 55 haha.

so that takes us to about 66 cards.  We could either throw in some dumb shit, or just actually try to be decent.  We  have 33 cards to play with but our Captain Planet skeleton is there.  I of course would fill the rest with dumb spells, but generally probably do removal/graveyard hate/enchantment hate/artifact hate/greaves/darksteelplate/some ld and then suddenly we have like 5 cards to play with.  Buildin EDH is hard isn’t it guys?  If you need help with any of these items I recommend hitting up this knowledgable man .

Okay lets give ourselves some difficulty levels.

Normal : Just playing this deck

Nightmare : Winning with a five ring equipped Cromat.

Hell : Having all five Planeteers out WITH THE CORRECT RINGS ON and then summon Cromat.

Inferno : Have this playing the entire game

Okay folks there you go, I know I left a lot of fill in the blanks, but only the boring cards.





And my ass…Axe I mean

This is not a unique in any way, there are many Dwarven brothas out there, but hey, lets retread the tires a little bit.

Bruenor Battlehammer, Gimli, Flint Fireforge, through the years fantasy has had a good number of Dwarven protagonists. For realz, check this guy outRanging from the evil Duergar to the completely awesome Squats of the 40k universe , we have always had representation for the smaller guys with bulging muscles, huge beards, and a pride in fighting to the last. Can you guess where this is going?


Yeah that is where we are going, Dwarves are awful in Magic and THIS MUST BE CHANGED.

Ok that isn’t a full representation just yet.

Dwarven Armory – awesome at least in that it puts on +2/+2 counters I will admit DWARVES BUILD THINGS TOUGHER
Dwarven Catapult – Pretty much the worst things you would look for in a burn spell
Dwarven Hold Woo Fallen Empires horrible storage land
Dwarven Landslide blow up one of your own lands DESTROY TWO, not the worst, but well, when I blow up lands I don’t wanna do it this way
Dwarven Pony Ponies work better with halflings like MY MAIN MAN BILL THE MANNEST PONY
Dwarven Ruins Move along laddie nothing to see here
Dwarven Shrine Actually this card is legit almost(in my brain, I know it is ‘orrible) except we are probably playing EDH so umm… no
Dwarven Song This card is so bad that this makes look like a good song of Dwarves

Okay, so if we wanted to make a deck, ALL OUR FRIGGIN DWARVES ARE RED so even if we wanted evil Balthor or derpheaded OH NO I AM A VAMPIRE AND BAD AT MY JOB Irini or OH NO I AM A WIZARD AND EVEN WORSE AT MY JOB Reveka we wouldn’t really be able to use them.

Let us take a nerd segue and see how well the Armies represented at the Battle of the Five Armies (a total copout, the damn Eagles are not

Goblins – Full of dudes and played everywhere and actually good
Elves – Also full of dudes and has Rofellols a dude so wack HE IS UNFIT TO LEAD
Men – A lot of our favorite heroes have been retconned as human and also has El-Hajjâj
Eagles (why not) – mysteriously no actual eagle creature type, but there are enough birds also still not counted as army.
Dwarves – A motley collection of horridness that does not represent the hardbodied, hardbearded machine that is a group of Dwarves.

I was considering making a deck but it would be monored, and I already have another monored monstrosity that will be gracing these very pages and they would probably contain a lot of the same cards, as I am seeing very few Dwarves that even I would play. Also the General would have to be Balthor the stout, and well, he is the only Dwarven Barbarian so he ain’t helping nobody.

So lets take a look at the Dwarven all stars that I would to play in a Dwarf themed EDH deck.

Shit not yet, actually, let’s beef a bit about the damn Duergar

Ok so in the Forgotten Realms (aka the most prolific D&D campaign setting, and hometown of my favorite I mark so hard for this lameass Drizzt) the realest place to be is underground in the umm…. err… Underdark, yeah. The Dwarves that live in the underdark are known as Duergar, and look buff and Dwarfy except they have dark skin and red eyes (HOW ELSE WOULD THEIR INFRAVISION WORK.) The shitty Duergar of Shadowmoor do live underground, but are some of the wackass looking pieces of shit to ever bear the Dwarf name AS SUCH THEY ARE STRICKEN. Also the Duergar are all hyrbrid boros so they could not be in our monored Dwarf deck anyway.

Ok so back on track, Dwarves that is awesome, trickily in alphabetical order as I totally don’t have the gatherer page open.

Bloodfire Dwarf This guy is ok, can tag tokens if they don’t have pumps/monument/stuff going on, which they almost always do
Bomb Squad Slow as hell removal that involves a stupidly named counter? SIGN ME UP (no legit sign me up I love things like this)
Dwarven Blastminer The Onslaught block did help out our dwarves, and blowing up lands is always a good decision, taggin dat Coffers. Unlike Dwarven Driller which would take some work to bring tha pain.
Dwarven Miner The original bro that spawned the guy above him, I prefer blowing up nonbasics almost all the time so I don’t mind the restriction.
Dwarven Recruiter The Dwarves did get a recruiter, but what kind of superdwarf combo are you gonna make with him yet? COME ON WIZBROS HELP US BEARDY FOLK OUT
Mine Layer Remember what I said about stupid counters? This guy has it IN SPADES. Out of the land blow up dudes this one is my favorite
Whipkeeper Not the best, I will admit, but I like really dumb things like this guy also CHECK DAT WHIP

Okay so we have 7 dwarves, so that leaves a lot of room to add in all your favorite monored cards and equipment. I think you kids can do that bit on your own.

Ok gang this is a morose way to end a thing, so lets talk about the guys that get my super ultimate trophy of GREATEST DWARVES OF ALL TIME


Yup Trollslayers, in the already ridiculous Warhammer Universe.  The Trollslayers are an even more ridiculous lot.  Take muscley Dwarves and make them even musclier.  Take dumb Dwarven Honor and put it TO THE EXTREME and fill it with 1000% Klingon bloodlust.  These are Dwarves that have commited a heinous crime and attempt to attone this crime by seeking glorious death in battle.  The foremost Trollslayer is most likely Gotrek Gurnisson.  If you want to read about awesome Trollslaying by this guy (though admittedly the tales are told from the prospective of his manling Felix because if it were told from his it would be, saw stuff, killed it, still alive, too bad) I would check out the Slayer series by William King.  These books have since been given to other authors but I have not read and therefore cannot vouch for them but definitely check out.

Trollslayer – though it is merely a collection of stories feature in White Dwarf methinks




noticing a trend?



Things kind of fall off the rails here, King also wrote Giantslayer but it isn’t as good.  Then the rest of the slayer novels are written by Nathan Long, I have heard good things but haven’t gotten around to reading them yet.  Yeah I could have linked the above but yall have Google right?

So there you go folks, a bald dude talking about beardy dudes for a while.


The 10 random card Gatherer Challenge

Hey gang,

Today I am going to talk about one of my favorite things, I do it all the time.

Yeah that bad boy right there, when I have a free moment at work, or when I am just bored as hell, I will just keep mashing on Random Card (I in no way think this is something that makes me special, I bet a lot of yall do.) Sometimes I try to keep track of sweet cards, but honestly most of them pass in and out of my mind like so much cardboard air. So I have attempted to try to start keeping a list, sadly in the end this list of sweet cards would just be “Every Card in Magic” as I am not very discriminating.

So then I decided to myself “Hey you luscious piece of man, why not do 10 random cards in a row and make an EDH deck around them.” This seemed like a wonderful idea so let us set some ground rules that are most certainly going to change.

1. No CUTS, if it shows up I gotta use it, this may change if I keep ending up in friggin five color, also I will cut UN-cards so that is kind of a lie.

2. The cards that are used should be the backbone or theme of the deck.

3. Not sure about passing basic lands or not, probably depends on if on color or not (OFF COLOR)

1. Fireball

Ok that ain’t bad, nothing too egregious here and I love red.

2. Reflex Sliver

Alright this is kind of balls, I guess at least if I have to go 5 color we can go with cruddy slivers

3. Loaming Shaman

Umm… Ok, at least we still just two colors, there are some thannngs I could do with this guy I guess, I am not big on shuffle back into the library effects, but maybe I could bone an opponent or three with him.

4. Trinket Mage

A decent dude… Puts us in RUG now, which aint bad, but the inclusion of another color means we will have to go five, I may have to rethink these rules sometime.

5. Reduce to Dreams

Well…. I guess my dreams of an awesome deck have been slightly reduced.

6. Dark Offering

Welp, we are five color, also this is my new favorite removal spell.

7. Barbed Sliver

Another sliver! Haha wow this sliver is not the bestest, well I think we will definitely be taking a sliver general.

8. Safe Haven

Oh good golly I love this card. I never really use it right but I do own one and it isn’t the super ugly Chronicles one either.

9. Marjhan


ok gonna change my pants

pants changed

And Finally! :

10. Earthbrawn

None too exciting, at least not at the moment, unless we find some way to be reinforcin all the time.

Ok so to sum up

2.Reflex Sliver
3.Loaming Shaman
4.Trinket Mage
5.Reduce to Dreams
6.Dark Offering
7.Barbed Sliver
8.Safe Haven

Ok so in the future maybe since we only have one black card, we would cut black and hit random until we got another RUG card, but since we gonna sliver it up anyway, we may as well keep this list. Also how could I ever part with Dark Offering?

General Sliver Overlord – We are Sliverlz after all.

Okay, so the two things that jump out to me with this mess are Big Mana (I always wanna do big mana) and Sac Effects (mostly cuz lolslivers and also for Marjhan.)

Okay so first things first, let’s try to make Marjhan work, as obviously he should be our superbig kill condition, and also HOLY F THIS DUDE IS A PINGER TOO! JUST TOO AWESOME! So it looks like this bad boy needs a buttload of blue mana and also needs the defender to control an island. So we will go with some badboys here:
Quicksilver Fountain
Stormtide Leviathan (okay so Marjhan can’t attack with this guy out, he goes into FULL PING MODE then)
Spreading Seas (stupid and bad idea but I also like the idea of spot removing a troublesome land)
Phantasmal Terrain (even worse than above but I love this card)
Gemstone Array (assuming we have buttloads of nonblue mana)

I really really really wanna put High Tide/Chron in here but that is really dumb. I also have a problem with always using the Mana Doublers (Gauntlet/Lense/Sun) but that is just beyond awful in a Five Color deck methinks.

Ok so let’s look at our sliver package, I don’t want this to actually be a sliver deck as much as I want the slivers to supplement our horrible plan of bashing in with Marjhan.

Gemhide Sliver – part of our big blue experience, also lolfivecolors we need dat mana

Harmonic Sliver – A walking Aura Shards couldn’t be too bad, honestly Enchantments are almost as bad as lands when it comes to people allowing them to run rampant.

Necrotic Sliver – Walking Vindicates aint too bad either

Quick Sliver – not sure if necessary considering the anemic amount of slivers being run, but FLASH

Sliver Queen – I was torn on which one should be the general, because I will probably need the slivers made by the queen to keep saccing to Marjhan in a perfect world. But I decided to go with Overlord and he can just tutor for the queen.

Graveyard hate, nothing too amazing here:

Relic of Progenitus
Tormod’s Crypt
Bojuka Bog

Ok I guess some ramp/fixing/rocks would be a good idea, we are going to pretend I could actually build this with my funds/cards/might get it online/norichmancards.

Explosive Vegetation
Rampant Growth
Evolving Wilds
Terramorphic Expanse
The Mirage slow fetchs
Urborg, Tomb of Yawgmoth of course I guess
Cabal Coffers since I own it
Gilded Lotus
Coalition Relic

Five colors feels damn boring doesn’t it.  Let’s list a few boring cards.

Eternal Witness
Acidic Slime
Akroma’s Vengeance
Oblivion Stone


Let’s give our boy Trinket mage a couple other things to find

Lightning Greaves – this is one of my autoincludes all the time, I have to work on this
Nihil Spellbomb
Amulet of Vigor? – a lot of my stuff will be coming in tapped, mostly lands, not sure if worth it or not
Basilisk Collar – I feel like we could probably use the life
Claws of Gix – ya never know
Engineered Explosives – Can blow out tokens if necessary, is fun otherwise.
Expedition Map – well yeah

Crap at this point I might be starting to run out of room.. How am I winning again?

Oh yeah, Marjhan… Okayyyy, lets find ways to tutor for him

Worldly tutor
Sylvan Tutor

F I’m at 59 cards, I guess some of those are lands, but I still want to have about 35 lands in addition.

So lets add 5 supercards that I love

Furnace of Rath
Beseech the Queen
Grave Pact
Fires of Yavimaya

Ok gonna go superghetto with lands at first.  I know the totals are wack but I love symmetry and my brain doesn’t have to think too hard this way.

7 of each basic.

Well well our deck is a disjointed mess, but I love disjointed messes so I worry not. Those of you who enjoy tuned decklists may be throwing up at this point.  The effects I do have have very little redundancy and I am leaning pretty heavily on the other players to be packing more answers (which is typical for one of my decks I will admit.)  The curve could be better, there is like no gas in this deck BUT I DO NOT CARE, time to see how it rolls.

Rollin on da Cock(atrice)

Was in a game against

Darien, King of Kjeldor
Seshiro the Anointed
Edric, Spymaster of Trest

My deckbuilding mancrush Gaka (he doesn’t know about it so it is our little secret alright?) was running his Dredgeric deck which I recommend you check out –

I rolled out with a pretty landy draw and had two signets and a Coalition Relic out pretty damn early.  So I had a buttload of mana but very little to do with it.  Trouble seemed to be looming when Edric dredged about 30 cards into his yard, but I had a Bojuka Bog from my opening grip which prolonged the game for about an hour.  I durdled around as I normally do, with tokens from Sliver Queen along with Grave Pact keeping anyone from wanting to attack me.  A Kessig Cagebreakers attack with about a billion wolves essentially finished off the game.  It was a good old time.

Fun Stuff:
People saw I was running five color and Amulet of Vigor and thought it was a big old threat.  Luckily for me I knew it was just for my craplands.

I tried to cast Dark Offering targetting Intrepid Hero forgetting there was an Eldrazi Monument on his side of the board.  So wasted my super awesome best top tier quality removal spell on a punt haha… go me.

Jerry’s Final Thought:
The Sliver part of the deck worked pretty well, they are slivers after all, but after my huge sample size of one game, I got mostly mana, but I got to jump through a few hoops sometimes to get my general cast as I was wanting in some colors, running more green would have helped with that for DAT RAMP.  My all in Marjhan plan didn’t really get off the ground, and in my heart of hearts I know that it wouldn’t have affected the board too much in this game.  I had a good time making this deck though, as I have a great time everytime I make a deck.  It is saved and perhaps will see some fun play sometime.


And with that I am going to implement a rules change for future 10 card challenges:

If I hit 3 colors, I am going to skip any OFF COLOR (gotta plug the pod heh) random cards that come along, I would rather make 3 color decks for this.

Thanks for reading, I know there are about a hundred ways this deck could have been made better, but if you have one feel free to leave it.




Decklist below, didn’t want to clutter things up and besides it ain’t much to look at.


10 Card Random v.1

General (1)
Sliver Overlord

Critters (13)
Acidic Slime
Barbed Sliver
Eternal Witness
Gemhide Sliver
Harmonic Sliver
Loaming Shaman
Necrotic Sliver
Quick Sliver
Reflex Sliver
Sliver Queen
Stormtide Leviathan
Trinket Mage

Enchantmentzzz (7)
Fires of Yavimaya
Furnace of Rath
Grave Pact
Oblivion Stone
Phantasmal Terrain
Spreading Seas

Instants (2)
Worldly Tutor

Artifacts (23)
Amulet of Vigor
Azorius Signet
Basilisk Collar
Boros Signet
Claws of Gix
Coalition Relic
Dimir Signet
Engineered Explosives
Expedition Map
Gemstone Array
Gilded Lotus
Golgari Signet
Gruul Signet
Izzet Signet
Lightning Greaves
Nihil Spellbomb
Orzhov Signet
Quicksilver Fountain
Rakdos Signet
Relic of Progenitus
Selesnya Signet
Simic Signet
Tormod’s Crypt

Sorceries (8)
Akroma’s Vengeance
Beseech the Queen
Dark Offering
Explosive Vegetation
Rampant Growth
Reduce to Dreams
Sylvan Tutor

Landlandlands (46)
Bad River
Bojuka Bog
Cabal Coffers
Evolving Wilds
Flood Plain
Mountain Valley
Rocky Tar Pit
Safe Haven
Terramorphic Expanse
Urborg, Tomb of Yawgmoth

Hey Gang

Yeah I know, Intro posts are pretty much the bane of the world (har har or is that Bane of the Living?)  But a man gotta do what man gotta do so here we are.

I am bald, but very hairy in the back area of my body, I warn you now as shirtless pictures of myself are my favorite things to post, so stay here long enough and I am sure you may see one.

The Mona Lisa

That didn’t take long.

Ok so let us do some QUICK HITS

1. Favorite Format : Commander

2. Favorite Colorz : Red/Black

3. Favorite Card : Mother of Runes (for now this changes almost daily)

4. Favorite Set : Homelands


Ok with that wondefulness out of the way, maybe, Dear Reader, you would like to know what to expect in the coming days/weeks/months/aeons.


Succinct top level strategery in this here game of Magic the Gatherinz.  You have real people to go for that, if I accidentally start winning Bro Tours I will definitely start helpin yall do the same.


Things to help make this wonderful game of ours awesome.  In the vocal part of this community there is so much vitriol, anger, and downright poison that can start to filter through even the strongest mental blocks and make us all infected.  I hope to be the shining beacon of a Bob Ross-like positivity and acceptance of all.  So yeah, maybe sometimes I will sound like some sort of hippy Rodney King asking why we can’t just all get along mannnnnn.  Take it for what you will, some of it will probably sound scrubby as hell.  But maybe, JUST MAYBE, there are some disaffected youth huddled around a kitchen table.  These unwashed masses, so hoping for a golden land of opportunity will be able to see me as the Statue of Lolberty welcoming, nay beckoning them into a glorious new world of Purple colors majesty and Amber waves of grain (I was going to make an artifact joke for the Amber waves part but it fell short.)

So yeah, in the future, more words, dumber words, and definitely more commas.